Ok to be honest I really don’t have a problem ending relationships as I am such a prat I usually end up losing good friends anyway, but humour me and read on .
1. Ok so say I am living with a chick and I have gotten bored but being such a nice guy I don’t want to hurt her feelings, hell I’m a nice guy. So when she is due home from work I invite my male friend round and we both get into bed with just our boxers on. She walks in and screams  “Oh my gawd your gay Art” and runs out. I turn round and notice my friend smiling and notice for the first time what a really cute smile he has, and he breaks my nose ………OUCH !!!!!…….Moving swiftly on…..

2. Right it’s time for the let’s just be friends speech. You sit her down and get ready to release those old fake tears, maybe pays to practice this so it looks good. Then you tell her that she’s the best thing that has ever happened to you but feel that you don’t feel the same but you never want to lose her friendship. She of course has no choice but to go with that option and well 4 weeks down the line you kill the friendship…..Jeeeeez what a real scumbag you are Art, hey babes what can I say, such is life, get over it !!

3. One of my all time favourites is we are seeing too much of each other, it works a treat. So your seeing her every night and you know that it’s starting to go pearshaped so you turn it around and act the nice guy. Say that you love her but that you miss spending time with your friends and basically you get her to feel sorry for you. So you are only seeing her about 4 times a week now but you slowly cut it down to 2 and then 1 and then it’s see ya don’t want to be ya. I actually had this little number done on me and caught that son of a bitch coming out of the cinema with another guy. Twas gutted !!!!

4. Book a holiday for a fortnight and don’t keep in contact at all so it’s easy to tell her when you come back. Ok I know for a fact that no way is any chick going to forget me after two weeks, like come on let’s get real here. She will be all over me like a plaster but then out come the holiday snaps of me with loads of Spanish chicks all scantily dressed and she busts into tears. Jeeeeez it’s tough being a heartbreaker but I came prepared so I pass her a hanky and shout “I’m sorry honey” as she goes running out of the house….Oh well !!!

5. Ok this next one just won’t go so you call on a female friend and bung her a few quid to pretend to be your girlfriend. And you meet the girlfriend and go out to a pub but yup guess who is going to turn up and give an oscar winning performance. Yup Yup you guessed right, love you lot cause you deff are quick on the uptake, a big fight starts as they start shouting at each other and I sloooowwwly sneak out the door. Ok it cost a few quid, but money well spent, jeeeeeez they are still fighting, hang on I hear her sayin something “What do you mean he paid you to pretend to be his girlfriend”……Ruuuunnnnnn !!!

6. You become a totally nasty drunk, this role comes easy to me I have to say. But it does work and I really shouldn’t be giving all my secrets away or I won’t be able to use all these little tricks again. So what you do is you develop a drink problem and anytime you are out with her you get totally legless. If she is stubborn and takes pity on you then just wait until she wears her best outfit. That night bang a few vodkas down you along with other mixtures and just wait for that moment. “What moment”, that moment were you just spin round and throw up all over her….Jeeeeeez that is so gross Art and yeah that is a certain sure fire way of getting dumped…Yup Yup it tis, happened to me once and it took me weeks to clean the damn cheeries of my jacket.

7. Now the hard one, you develop mood swings, a really hard one for me as I am such an easy going guy. But what you try and do is be really nice and caring one day and then the next it’s like your somebody else. This little number takes years of hard work and can’t be pulled off by everyone, I myself have found it really difficult but it does work, no woman will stand for a moody, huffy bad tempered sort of guy, or so I am told anyway !!

8. Become a total hermit and just become housebound, in other words just don’t take her anywhere. Mmm but you never do take a woman out anywhere Art, you never did you boring git. A night out for you was sitting in your room listening to Bowie or the Floyd although you did bring some really hot babes back. Yeah right Art, really don’t think your imagination counts do you. Anyway basically stay in the house and take her nowhere, trust me she will get bored !!

9. Yet another bit of acting needed for my 9th one, you develop a really bad habit that just drives her crazy. She’s crazy anyway for going out with you Art, oh shut up your just jealous cause you can’t pull. I am you Art so ya might wanna just rephrase that, jeeeeez I hate being a split personality. Anyways you develop a twitch in your left eye, or you could sniff all the time or just keep clicking your fingers. You could even hum or sing aloud in company, nahhhh my singing talent would be seen and she would enter me for the X Factor….Let’s go to the last one.

10. Right you have tried everything else but the crazy chick still loves you, guess I am a lovable type of guy. I love you Art, yeah but loving yourself is a bit sad Art, in fact you are sad !! Ok can we get to the final act, yeah go for it you old fart, “hey”….Right if all else fails you start a really big fight with her, full on and plenty of shouting. Do not fall for the little girl tears because sure as hell she will start crying, god they all do and it does cut me up but hey you gotta be cruel to be kind. So a massive fight, then you just say “look things just aren’t working out, let’s call it a day”. If she still loves you after the above 10 then jeeeeeeez what can I say, that chick is mad crazy over you !!

Anyway all of the above are a figment of my imagination as I am a really nice guy. I don’t drink so no drunken behaviour and I never get moody or huffy as I am way too mature for that. In all honesty I really wouldn’t hurt a fly

So, after crying my eyes out all day long, I now feel lost and forlorn. Is this what celebrating someone’s life is supposed to be like? How come I don’t feel happy then? I feel totally depressed and sad.

I never knew Michael Jackson personally, however, I grew up with his music. I remember when the Jackson 5 were just starting out. I remember all Michael Jackson’s hit songs. I remember all the controversy over Michael Jackson’s life. I remember Michael Jackson and I will continue to remember Michael Jackson for his talent. He sure could dance and his dance moves were innovative and my God, that man could sing. Right now, in the back of my mind, the words to the song, “I’ll be There” are stuck in my head. “Just call my name and I’ll be there.”

The death of Michael Jackson was very sad indeed. He had a lot of life left in him yet by the looks of the rehearsal videos I have seen all week long. Michael Jackson looked like he was in tip-top shape.

There has been a lot of controversy considering Michael Jackson’s life. However, I prefer to remember him for his music rather than what he might have or might not have done in his personal life.

I am also going to hopefully set up a facility were you can post straight to the website as well say about a good movie you have just seen or just some gadget you bought that you like or jeeez some medical problem. But basically I want to make it a place to just visit and have a laugh and I will do that within the next few months or else my name isn’t Johnny Depp.

The design looks good now but hey just wait until you see the new design I am going to get done, it’s gonna be looking as good as Angelina Jolie in suspenders. Jeeez I love that Angelina Jolie, ” I know, ya seen those lips ” ” Of course I have seen Angelina Jolies lips, jeeez ya think I am blind ” ” Ya wud deff go blind staring at em though “  Ok shut up about Angelina Jolie I am trying to get my readers all excited about my future plans of my website. ” That will be a new experience you getting anyone excited”  ” Jeeez who told you about this site anyway ” ” You did ya tosser, ya left the link on yer page so I followed ya ”

Right I gotta go before I get mixed up as to who I am, me, him, Johnny Depp or Cabin Girl but trust me moi friends when fully setup this wee website tis gonna make ya go woww.  ” Who says Woww these days ya twat ” ” Goooo Ok “

Jeeeez I dunno but I just love tennis and when I was a young boy I laso had a racket. ” Ya mean ya always created a racket ya dozey git  ” Anyways it’s so exciting and I have been watching it for over 3 hours. It’s 9-9 in the tennis in the 5th set as I type but jeeez who is gonna win Wimbledon, will it be the almight Federer who the Cabin Girl fancies but she’s man mad and fancies anyone.

Dunno but I am getting a sore head watching all these balls flying over the net and they just can’t beat each others serve. If Federer wins he will break the record for the number of tennis majors as he will have won 15, more than any other tennis player in history. It’s just gone 10-9 to Federer and jeeez will this match ever end, it’s like a neverending story. ” Hey I loved that Movie “  ” Oh shut up, this match is so exciting ”

Great Wimbledon Final and Andy Roddick is giving it his all and he holds his serve to make it 10-10, who is going to win this match, whammmmm Federer smacks it down the side. And yes he holds his serve and it’s now 11-10 and I have never seen a tennis match like this in my life.

So it’s Roddick serving to stay in the match can Federer break him, I dunno because Roddicks serve looks really strong, I may have grown a beard by the time this is over. So it’s 40/40 in this game, can Federer take him now. Alas no Roddick holds his nerve and it’s 11-11 and I am off to get my razor.

Jeeez that boy Fed is such a classy player and he just wipes Roddick away when he is serving, he is indeed the King of Tennis as he goes into a 12-11 lead with total ease. How I wish I had continued to play tennis cause I was good with my balls, really good indeed. Roddick up now and jeeez he is still not giving up, this guy has got guts for sure and he just powers through that game and it’s 12-12.

Federer is back serving his best tennis and no way can I see him getting beat on serve and wham he hits an Ace down the baseline. But Roddick is fighting back and he is making Federer work for it but he wins and it’s now 13-12. Up steps Roddick and they have made history as this is now the longest set in the history of tennis. Roddick looks tired and it’s 40/40 and Federer looks mean but wham Roddick hits an Ace. And its now 13-13 and I am wondering will this game still be going tomorrow, 26 games without a breakpoint, unreal or what.

Federer as usual just storms into the lead again with his serve to make it 14-13.  Roddick is up and for the first time looks tired and nervous but it’s still 30/30 so who knows. Roddick picks himself up and slams two straight shots to take it to 14-14, jeeeez this a classic. Federer just hits his 50th Ace in the match and it goes to 15-14 and never in any tennis match have I seen a match go over 4 hours and a quarter.

Roddick again drops the first point so could this be it, yes he drops the second point, love 30 !  But Roddick slams one with force, he won’t give up and the brave guy is back to 30/30. Nobody has played with such passion as the American and it’s now 40/40, this is so damn tense right now. Federer is close as it goes Advantage to him, can he win this? I watch, my heart beats and I stand and appauld both palyers as Federer wins by 16-14, omg that was one hell of a match !!

Hands up if any of you lot reading have heard of Jade, the girl that died of cancer aged just 29 but finished 3rd in Big Brother 2002. That girl became a millionaire and even wrote a book and had her own perfume named after her. Plus she had her own tv show and why, because she sat on her ass in the Big Brother house and stripped off.

Thing is even if you are the most boring fart in Big Brother when you leave you will deff make at the least about 200k in newspaper interviews. Like reality television has gone crazy with the X Factor and American Idol. Omg don’t you just hate that tosser Simon Cowell, the guy is so full of himself and when he grins I just wanna punch those damn new shiny teeth he paid to get done.

Bugger it next year I am going to go on American Idol cause I will do a duet with Cabin Girl and sing ” Time To Say Goodbye ” with us both dressed as pirates and doing that Titanic pose. BadCo is a great singer and used to be in the choir, well until I got kicked out for stealing the church collection money. Anyways I am off to mail my entry for next years American Idol and if that girly boy Simon Cowell says I am crap me and Cabin Girl will knock his shiny whites out. Jeeeez thank god it’s the weekend, I am off for a drink, Happy 4th July you Yankees, love ya all !