10 Ways To Do A Runner.

 Ok to be honest I really don’t have a problem ending relationships as I am such a prat I usually end up losing good friends anyway, but humour me and read on .
1. Ok so say I am living with a chick and I have gotten bored but being such a nice guy I don’t want to hurt her feelings, hell I’m a nice guy. So when she is due home from work I invite my male friend round and we both get into bed with just our boxers on. She walks in and screams  “Oh my gawd your gay Art” and runs out. I turn round and notice my friend smiling and notice for the first time what a really cute smile he has, and he breaks my nose ………OUCH !!!!!…….Moving swiftly on…..

2. Right it’s time for the let’s just be friends speech. You sit her down and get ready to release those old fake tears, maybe pays to practice this so it looks good. Then you tell her that she’s the best thing that has ever happened to you but feel that you don’t feel the same but you never want to lose her friendship. She of course has no choice but to go with that option and well 4 weeks down the line you kill the friendship…..Jeeeeez what a real scumbag you are Art, hey babes what can I say, such is life, get over it !!

3. One of my all time favourites is we are seeing too much of each other, it works a treat. So your seeing her every night and you know that it’s starting to go pearshaped so you turn it around and act the nice guy. Say that you love her but that you miss spending time with your friends and basically you get her to feel sorry for you. So you are only seeing her about 4 times a week now but you slowly cut it down to 2 and then 1 and then it’s see ya don’t want to be ya. I actually had this little number done on me and caught that son of a bitch coming out of the cinema with another guy. Twas gutted !!!!

4. Book a holiday for a fortnight and don’t keep in contact at all so it’s easy to tell her when you come back. Ok I know for a fact that no way is any chick going to forget me after two weeks, like come on let’s get real here. She will be all over me like a plaster but then out come the holiday snaps of me with loads of Spanish chicks all scantily dressed and she busts into tears. Jeeeeez it’s tough being a heartbreaker but I came prepared so I pass her a hanky and shout “I’m sorry honey” as she goes running out of the house….Oh well !!!

5. Ok this next one just won’t go so you call on a female friend and bung her a few quid to pretend to be your girlfriend. And you meet the girlfriend and go out to a pub but yup guess who is going to turn up and give an oscar winning performance. Yup Yup you guessed right, love you lot cause you deff are quick on the uptake, a big fight starts as they start shouting at each other and I sloooowwwly sneak out the door. Ok it cost a few quid, but money well spent, jeeeeeez they are still fighting, hang on I hear her sayin something “What do you mean he paid you to pretend to be his girlfriend”……Ruuuunnnnnn !!!

6. You become a totally nasty drunk, this role comes easy to me I have to say. But it does work and I really shouldn’t be giving all my secrets away or I won’t be able to use all these little tricks again. So what you do is you develop a drink problem and anytime you are out with her you get totally legless. If she is stubborn and takes pity on you then just wait until she wears her best outfit. That night bang a few vodkas down you along with other mixtures and just wait for that moment. “What moment”, that moment were you just spin round and throw up all over her….Jeeeeeez that is so gross Art and yeah that is a certain sure fire way of getting dumped…Yup Yup it tis, happened to me once and it took me weeks to clean the damn cheeries of my jacket.

7. Now the hard one, you develop mood swings, a really hard one for me as I am such an easy going guy. But what you try and do is be really nice and caring one day and then the next it’s like your somebody else. This little number takes years of hard work and can’t be pulled off by everyone, I myself have found it really difficult but it does work, no woman will stand for a moody, huffy bad tempered sort of guy, or so I am told anyway !!

8. Become a total hermit and just become housebound, in other words just don’t take her anywhere. Mmm but you never do take a woman out anywhere Art, you never did you boring git. A night out for you was sitting in your room listening to Bowie or the Floyd although you did bring some really hot babes back. Yeah right Art, really don’t think your imagination counts do you. Anyway basically stay in the house and take her nowhere, trust me she will get bored !!

9. Yet another bit of acting needed for my 9th one, you develop a really bad habit that just drives her crazy. She’s crazy anyway for going out with you Art, oh shut up your just jealous cause you can’t pull. I am you Art so ya might wanna just rephrase that, jeeeeez I hate being a split personality. Anyways you develop a twitch in your left eye, or you could sniff all the time or just keep clicking your fingers. You could even hum or sing aloud in company, nahhhh my singing talent would be seen and she would enter me for the X Factor….Let’s go to the last one.

10. Right you have tried everything else but the crazy chick still loves you, guess I am a lovable type of guy. I love you Art, yeah but loving yourself is a bit sad Art, in fact you are sad !! Ok can we get to the final act, yeah go for it you old fart, “hey”….Right if all else fails you start a really big fight with her, full on and plenty of shouting. Do not fall for the little girl tears because sure as hell she will start crying, god they all do and it does cut me up but hey you gotta be cruel to be kind. So a massive fight, then you just say “look things just aren’t working out, let’s call it a day”. If she still loves you after the above 10 then jeeeeeeez what can I say, that chick is mad crazy over you !!

Anyway all of the above are a figment of my imagination as I am a really nice guy. I don’t drink so no drunken behaviour and I never get moody or huffy as I am way too mature for that. In all honesty I really wouldn’t hurt a fly :)